Description
The story of the Wooden Horse takes a strange twist in this tale of bungling kings, scheming goddesses, and would-be heroes who do their best to get in the way of love. Paris cannot be beaten when it comes to romance. Written for a Senior class of thirty children approximately.
Troy Story 2:The Terrors of Troy
By Willie John Creedon
Character List (in order of appearance):
Narrator
Heckler
Minstrel 1
Minstrel 2
Minstrel 3
Paris
Hera
Athena
Aphrodite
Manylaws
Ajax the Lesser
Helen
Patroclus
Diomedes
Agamemnon
Homer
Priam
Domestos
Hecuba
Laocoan
Idomeneus
Iphrigenia
Nestor
Calchas
Achilles
Hector
Narrator:
I hate apples! Yes, hate apples. I mean look at all the troubles that apples have caused…
Heckler:
What are you on about? Did you never hear the saying, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away”?
Narrator:
Poppycock! The only thing that keeps the doctor away is the threat of no payment. If we all ate apples every day the world would be in an awful mess. Think of what almost killed William Tell’s son. An apple! If it weren’t for apples, we’d all be up in the garden yet!
Heckler:
What garden?
Narrator:
Did your parents never teach ye anything? Eve’s garden. The garden of Eden.
Heckler:
If you think I’ve given up an hour of my time to hear about apples, you’re sadly mistaken! I’ve better…
Narrator:
Ah here! I’ll let the minstrels introduce it! (minstrels appear on stage)
Minstrel 1:
Did someone call for a song?
Heckler:
(Pointing) He/ She did. Something about apples.
Minstrels:
Hello Patsy Fagan, you’re the apple of my eye.
Hello Patsy Fagan…
Narrator:
Cut that out! It’s that little number about Troy you’re supposed to be doing!
Minstrel 2:
Got it! (Sings/ 1st line on his/her own)
(To the Tune of “Try To Remember” by Barbara Streisand)
Try to remember that time in September
(Joined on rest of song by all minstrels)
When schools reopen, and the kids are all hopin’
The first of September their fervent prayer
Is that the teacher gets the ‘flu for a week or two.
Maybe pneumonia will take the sad moaner
And we can relax and forget about Maths
Try to remember, and if you remember…
Narrator:
Wrong again! Think Troy, T-R-O-Y (Spelling it out) Troy, ancient city in Anatolia. Got it?
Minstrel 3:
Now I have you. That old Greek legendy thing. Come on, Minstrels, on the count of three.
Minstrels (chant/song):
Here’s a tale the teacher told ya of an ancient city in Anatolia
There’s a place mysterious and murky, now best known as part of Turkey
Oh me, oh my, don’t ask me why, they named that ancient city Troy.
Oh me, oh my, don’t ask me why, but they named that ancient city Troy.
The King of the town, a chap called Priam was heavy on taxes and soft on crime
As for minding his kids, he couldn’t care less. The result was seen in his young son, Paris
Oh me oh my how silly and careless, to name a boy after a town like Paris
Oh me oh my how silly and careless, to name a boy after a town like Paris
Picture him on a summer’s day being asked for directions to Champs Elysee
When he grew tall his life was hell, with blackguards calling him the Tur Eiffel
All the ladies cried, “Oh what a physique! What a hunk! Oh, What a Greek!”
All the ladies cried, “Oh what a physique! What a hunk! Oh, What a Greek!”
Narrator:
Enough! Look, it all began with the wedding of Peleus. Peleus, the king of the Myrmidons…
Heckler:
Janey, Mister, those Greeks had strange names.
Narrator:
Let me get on with it, will you?
Heckler:
Certainly. Pea Louse, the king of the mermaids was getting married…
Narrator:
Peleus, the king of the Myrmidons was marrying Thetis of the Nereids.
Heckler:
Was she one of the mermaids?
Narrator:
Hush, will you! Unfortunately they neglected to invite Eris, the goddess of discord to the wedding. Eris was so annoyed she threw a golden apple among the wedding guests.
Heckler:
That was good of her. What trouble did that cause?
Narrator:
You see she marked it with a message, “For the Fairest”. Of course there was a row. All these women in their wedding gear and make-up wanted the apple. They asked Zeus to decide. Now, he was far too cute to be caught like that. He suggested that Paris should judge the contest….
Scene 2 – A wooded area
(Paris is wandering alone and thinking)
Paris:
Whatever will become of me? Here I am at a wedding. I am surrounded by beautiful women but not one of ‘em will dance with me. What can I do? My father, King Priam wants me to come home with a wife. “Come home with a woman wearing a ring!” That’s what he told me. Some chance!
(3 Graces appear)
Hera:
Come here, young fellah! Are you the apple judge?
Paris:
The apple judge! What have apples got to do with me?
Athena:
She’s talking about golden apples…
Paris:
French golden delicious, is it?
Hera:
Ah here, girls, we’re wasting our time. Can’t you see, the guy’s a total idiot.
Aphrodite:
Don’t be so hasty. This is the chap we were told to ask by Zeus. He has to be the judge.
Paris:
Judge! Me! You must be joking.
Athena:
We’re having a contest. You’re supposed to judge…
Paris:
I can tell you that I enjoy a Royal Gala, a Granny Smith is good, but for flavour and bite I give my number one to Pink Ladies!
Hera:
What are you on about? It’s not an apple contest we’re havin’. It’s a beauty contest. Not that it’s going to be much of a beauty contest, me being so good-looking and all!
Paris:
A beauty contest!
Aphrodite:
That’s right. Poise, grace and beauty…
Paris:
Such unusual names!
Hera:
They ate not our names. Poise, grace and beauty are what you are looking for.
Athena:
Allow us to introduce ourselves. That old bag there who ends her sentences with prepositions is Hera!
Hera:
Old bag, is it? If I was a bag, I’d be a Gucci. That bundle of old bones and cheap make-up is Athena.
Athena:
Don’t get me started…
Aphrodite:
And I, dear boy, am Aphrodite.
Paris:
Pleased to meet you, ladies. My name is Paris. (Loud guffaws from Hera and Athena)
Aphrodite:
That’s capitol altogether! It’s so (in a French accent)… how do you say… so French!
Athena:
Ooh la la!
Hera:
(Sings) Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques
Just guess who, just guess who.
The eejit’s name is Paris, the eejit’s name is Paris
What a clown! What a clown!
(talking again) There you are now, love and I’m smashing as well
Athena:
I suppose she is, if it’s plates you’re talking about! When it comes to beauty, it’s me you’ll be picking. When I walk down the street, all the boys stop their chariots just to see me pass…
Hera:
Actually, it’s the chariots that stop the men!
Paris:
And why would that be?
Hera:
Because one wagon always knows another!
……………………………….and on it goes!
With the advent of interactive whiteboards, we decided that the play be published on CD in Microsoft Word format, so that the script can be projected on the whiteboard during practice. In addition, this CD format enables multiple copies of the script to be easily printed off for the children. Dramatic amendments, embellishments and localisation can be made to the script, should you be so inclined.
MUSIC & SONGS: The choice of music is endless. From classical music overtures, to the songs taken from the Disney classics, from pop & rock to the traditional and modern. You only have to select about 7 or 8 graet songs to intertwine with the script and you are ready for curtains up!
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