That Clown Lir!

Description

Lir , a widower struggles with the washing. Life is impossible. His decision to remarry is disastrous for his children. Wicked witch, Aoife and her sidekick, Matilda make their lives a misery. The story is turned on its head when Matilda switches sides and Aoife is put to flight. Written for classes 4, 5 or 6, this will involve fully a class of c. thirty children.

 

That Clown Lir

By Willie John Creedon

Character List (in order of appearance):

Narrator

Heckler 1

Heckler 2

Lir

Larry

Persil

Brand X

Omo

Courtier 1

Courtier 2

Courtier 3

Hugh

Conn

Fionnuala

Fiachra

Herald

Page

Scribe

Eoin

Mrs. Mannering

Aoife

Matilda

Naomi

Kate

Patricia

Act I

 

Love is the sweetest thing,

The sweetest and dearest thing

Such joys true love can bring

In your step there’s an extra spring

When love comes to you

Narrator:

Clown Lir is a love story…

Heckler 1:

A love story! Do you mean to say I wasted this precious time on a soppy old love story?

Narrator:

Well, it is a love story…

Heckler 2:

Great! Will there be kissing in it and…

Lir:

(Peering through curtains) I hope not! I could never show my face again if I was seen at that. Come here, you, nobody told me anything about romance!

Narrator:

Listen, will you get back behind that curtain and let me get on with my job! Clown Lir is a tragic tale of death, sorrow doom and gloom.

Lir:

Doom and gloom, that sounds a lot better.

Narrator:

Once upon a time there lived a king called Lir. A happy man was he. All was rosy in the garden. He had a wife and four kids, Aodh, Conn, Fionnuala and Fiachra.

Heckler 1:

Was he a saint?

Narrator:

No. This story happened before Saint Patrick’s time. As I was saying, Lir was a happy man. But then dawned the day when Lir found himself a widower…

Heckler 2:

Where would you find one of them? What are they anyways?

Heckler 1:

Would that be someone who goes around killing husbands?

Narrator:

No, would you two ever put a sock in it! His wife died and poor Lir was left to raise the kids on his own. Lir, however was determined to do his best. Our play opens in the back yard of Lir’s palace.

 (Lir is hanging out a huge basket of laundry)

Lir:

These whites are ruined! I knew nothing good would come of this washing lark. Say what you like there’s no way that this is man’s work! (Holds up a nappy) That child is not normal. See how many nappies he’s producing. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for all the stinkin’ soap powder. It’s wreckin’ me skin! As for the hired help! Some help they are! See your man there at the gate? Hey, Larry, any hope of you giving your royal master a dig-out at hanging up the washing?

Larry:

It’s not in the job description, your Majesty. Minding gates is what I do. I open gates, I close them, until six o’ clock and not a second longer. It’s a tough job but someone’s got to do it.

Lir:        

I wonder if there are any openings in it.

Larry:

Well I…

Lir:

Ah where’s your sense of humour?

Larry:

It takes me all my time to keep those kids of yours from wandering off.

Lir:

I know. I do feel like wandering off myself occasionally. Oh, for the open road, a swift chariot beneath me, a gentle zephyr playing with my hair.

Larry:

A gentle what?

Lir:

Zephyr. A sweet summer’s breeze to a common plonker like yourself!

Larry:

Zephyr…that’s a good one. A great one is your majesty for the words. Never one to say an easy word when a big whopper can be used.

Lir:

Some might say I wax lyrical…

Larry:

Janey, that must be painful! (wincing)

 

 

Lir:

Still it would be nice to take a break. Instead of which I’m trying to catch up with the bleeding washing!

Larry:

I noticed the colours were running alright!

Lir:

Still, it won’t be long ‘til my washing days are at an end. The notice I placed in the palace window has had the desired effect. I am expecting to interview three suitably qualified persons…

Larry:

I’m forever blowing bubbles.

Lir:

Ah! It seems they have arrived. Bring them in Larry, like a good man.

(Lir continues hanging clothes)

Larry:

Introducing Persil, Omo and Brand X.

Washers:

We are usually called the Bold three.

Lir:

Delighted to make your acquaintance. Now to get down to business, which of you three produces the cleanest wash?

Persil:

Well in nine out of ten tests, Brand X is usually worst!

Brand X:

Are you trying to put a stain on my reputation? I’m sick of those ads. Lies!

Omo:

Well I’ve been around for ages!

Brand X:

Was it a 1,000 spin machine?

 

Omo:

(Groans) Omo is an old name in the washing business, my boyo.

Brand X:

I also come in non-bio!

Lir:

Stop! You’re driving me round the Bendix. (All turn and look at him)

Larry:

It seems your majesty has struck on a sore point

Lir:

More likely a Hotpoint. Sorry. The fairest way of settling this is to have a washing contest.

Persil:

There doesn’t appear to be any clothes for washing.

Lir:

Don’t worry, the way young Conn is going you won’t have long to wait.

Omo:

Fair enough. I can wash the socks off those two, no bother.

Brand X:

Wait and see.

Persil:

(Sliding up to Lir) Sure your clothes will be like new pins. You know an unattached fellah like yourself might be glad of a handy woman like me around the palace. I could make you a nice cup of tea.

Lir:

I have no trouble in the tea-making department. The vacancy is simply in the washing department.

Persil:

Still, it’s a shame. A fine looking man like yourself should have nobody to keep him company in the cold winter nights. Men aren’t meant to exist on their own. Left on their own they flounder.

Lir:

(aside) I’d rather flounder on than be left with a flounder like her!

 

…………………………………and on it goes!

 

 

 

With the advent of interactive whiteboards, we decided that the play be published on CD in Microsoft Word forma, so that the script can be projected on the whiteboard during practice. In addition, this CD format enables multiple copies of the script to be easily printed off for the children. Dramatic amendments, embellishments and localisation can be made to the script, should you be so inclined.

MUSIC & SONGS: The choice of music is endless. From classical music overtures, to the songs taken from the Disney classics, from pop & rock to the traditional and modern. You only have to select about 7 or 8 graet songs to intertwine with the script and you are ready for curtains up!